A Simple Solution or a Big Mistake?

I’ve been in Seattle for a week helping a friend move into a cosy basement apartment in his daughter’s home.  Recently, several of my friends have moved in with their adult children.  Others have invited their sons and daughters — and their children — to move into their now-too-big family home.  One family purchased an entirely new home in order to accommodate their extended family, renovating extensively to provide room and privacy for everyone.  So with all this activity among my age-mates, I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

Multi-generational family homes were once the norm in many communities in the US.  In 1900, 57% of American adults age 65 and older lived with adult children or grandchildren; in 2009 just under 20% did (Taylor, et al, 2010).  However, Baby Boomers are now in their sixties, many with shrinking or nonexistent pensions, and the number of retirees considering a family solution to long term residential care is once again increasing.

While it can be tempting to buy into the the Currier and Ives Christmas card portrayals of harmonious multifamily households, it makes sense to seriously consider the pros and cons of such living arrangements before actually making such a move.

Pros of Living With Adult Children

Emily Brandon, Senior Editor for Retirement at U.S. News, identifies three main reasons that adult children give for inviting their parents to move in:

(1) To ensure that their parents are loved and well taken care of, not lonely or isolated.

(2) To keep their parents from going into a nursing home, once it becomes apparent that they need help with day to day affairs of life.

(3) To teach younger members of the family that it is important to consider other people’s needs as well as their own.

I would add to those the financial benefits for the family as a whole if Medicare and pension funds are used to offset the cost of improving the family home or renovating a new one, and contributing to the mortgage rather than paying the often very steep fees of an independent living or assisted living facility.  If you have a positive relationship with your adult children and their families, and they with you, this can certainly be a positive solution to a situation that will eventually affect us all.

The hustle and bustle of a growing family can be an enjoyable experience for lonely empty nesters, those who have missed the lively exchange at mealtimes or active participation in children’s daily activities.  But it can also be stressful for people who have grown accustomed to a quiet, ordered existence.

Some Downsides of Living With Your Children

Exchanging child care for elder care may seem like a great trade, but as we continue to age, the balance begins to shift.  Our once-charming grandchildren become too active for us to manage, or grow to need less supervision, just as we begin to need more help with transportation, finances, medication management, or self care.  Our children may begin to run out of energy, resent our presence.

Senior Living.Net, a free service for families looking for senior care or senior living arrangements, suggests we consider these three cons before moving into our children’s homes:

(1) Creating a space where you can truly be comfortable may require such extensive renovation that the investment cannot be recouped.  And failing to make those renovations may mean you are living in crowded or otherwise unsuitable conditions.

(2) However good their intentions, adult children are not trained caregivers.  They may not be able to provide the specific care you need, such as ongoing medical care, memory assistance, help with medication or bathing.  They may try and fail, or simply become worn out with your increasing need for care.

(3) In many cases, you will have to give up privacy in order to live with a family.  If you’ve lived for some years in your own home, even if you’ve been rattling around a big empty house, you may find it difficult to be around other people, no matter how pleasant, twenty four hours a day.

Don’t Wait Too Long to Decide

Deciding where to spend your final years is a big decision, and your initial inclinations may change as you do your research.  Aging in place – staying in your own home –  is attractive to many people, if there is sufficient money available for daily care when it becomes needed.  Independent living communities are increasingly affordable and attractive.  So are continuum of care communities, which include independent living, assisted living, memory care, rehabilitation facilities and 24 hour nursing care all on one campus. Moving in with your children may be a good short term solution, as it is for my friend, to help you adjust to leaving your own home, receiving help in identified areas of need, and waiting for an opening in the residential solution of your choice.

Spend the time necessary to learn what options are within your reach, talk them over with your family, and think carefully about what you hope to get out of each life stage ahead.  This can be your decision to make, if you make it early enough.  If you wait until you are suddenly facing a health or financial crisis, however, the decision will very likely be out of your hands.

Have you and your family had discussions about the future of the aging members of the clan?  Please share your ideas.  To participate in this conversation, and I hope you will, complete the comment form below or, if you are reading this in an RSS Feed or email, use the link below to display this article as a web page and use the comment form there.